Boys Don't Cry
A discussion of men's mental health
It was a warm spring day as I walked around the city of Oxford, trying to keep it together. Don’t let anyone know how you’re feeling, it wouldn’t be a good idea to express your feelings right here, don’t cry. I think I did a pretty good job of not letting emotions come to the surface. Those around me had no idea I was on the verge of tears, and I wanted it to be that way. It would be shameful if I didn’t keep my emotions in check. Despite acting like everything was fine, I couldn’t keep the words that came out of her mouth filling my head, “Boys don't cry, boys don't cry”. The woman who uttered those words wasn’t someone I knew personally. She wasn’t talking, she was singing to me and anyone else who cared to listen. Her name was Camila Cabello, and she was singing her song ‘Boys Don’t Cry’.
The first time I heard the song was in the spring of 2022 when I first heard it I didn’t fully take note of the lyrics. It was just another pop song on a pop album. After the third or fourth listen to the song was when it grabbed me. It was when I was on the train to visit family in Oxfordshire, when I realised how powerful and unique it was. In my view, ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ is one of the most important pop songs ever recorded, and I would put it on the same level as songs about civil rights and racism because of the subject matter. And since it’s my second anniversary of first hearing the song, I thought it would be appropriate to write about it in the 2024 spring edition of Joel’s Four Seasons. What follows are four parts of the song that I’ve selected and my thoughts on the lyrics. Please note that the lyrics aren’t in the same order as the song. They are listed in an order that best suits the writing of this post.
Don't want to be touched
Don't want to discuss
There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to write about this song. Unpacking my thoughts around this means I’m discussing it in the written form, which is easier than talking about, but even that’s hard. I just feel compelled to write about this and that I have no choice. Discussing things in person is harder. Sometimes women feel mystified by men’s reluctant to discuss the things they’re going through, and I can see where they’re coming from. Opening your mouth and expressing how you feel seems pretty easy, but for many men it isn’t. For me, expressing my feelings is like swallowing poison, and who wants to swallow poison? I don’t know why I feel this way, all I know it’s how I feel.
In her TED Talk, researcher Brené Brown said that men don’t want to be perceived as weak. Maybe that is what is going on when it comes to discussing feelings. Possibly, I view it as being weak, and I sure don’t to be seen that way. Or maybe it might be that talking about my feelings can be too uncomfortable that I avoid doing it. Having said all this, whenever I have shared about what is on my mind I feel good afterwards, but I think there will always be this reluctance to talk about it at first.
It doesn't make you less of a man
You're just human right now
This particular lyric brings up the idea of what it means to be a man. There are phrases such as ‘Man up’, ‘Be a man’ and ‘Take it like a man’ but what does this mean exactly? When thinking about these phrases, I think they’re communicating that men should be strong, mature and responsible. These are good virtues to have, and I consider some of them to be all part of my values, but they’re putting gender on these virtues. They seem to be implying that strength, maturity and responsibility are masculine and not feminine. Can a woman be strong? Is maturity a characteristic that a woman can possess? Are responsible? I think the answer to all these questions is yes.
Similarly, some characteristics are considered to be feminine such as gentleness, kindness and compassion. Does that mean men shouldn’t be gentle, kind or compassionate? If a woman doesn’t always have these qualities, does it mean she’s not feminine? I think the answer to both questions is no.
It's not stupid, it's not drama
It's just trauma turned to armor
This is a pretty remarkable line for a female pop singer to sing. It makes me think Miss Cabello is a bit of an outlier because it seems like whenever women sing about men they don’t acknowledge men have trauma. The message many female artists tend to proclaim is men exist for two reasons: to give them money and make them feel good. Any man who doesn’t give them these things isn’t a real man and should be got rid of. I don’t think it is just lyrics in a song, many women tend to think this. I mentioned that Brené Brown TED Talk earlier, and this part of the song makes me think of it again. There’s a part of the talk where she recalls a time when a man said that it was all well and good that she was encouraging people to be vulnerable, but women can’t stomach a truly vulnerable man. I think the man was right. It seems to me most women play this game where they say they want men to be vulnerable yet when a man is they freak out. They would much rather a man struggle alone than talk about what’s actually going on. Brown concludes that a man or woman who’s able to listen to someone being vulnerable is a man or woman who has done a lot of work on themselves. You could say a woman who can sit there and listen to a man talk about his trauma is a woman who has incredible strength, and isn’t feminism about strength?
Maybe Camila Cabello is a part of a new form of feminism or is someone who believes in a virtue that seems to have been forgotten: men and women are just as human as each other. Perhaps she’s a believer in the kind of feminism that aims to bring men and women together, rather than draw them apart. It seems to me being a feminist includes having the strength to recognise and listen to the trauma men face, as well as other issues. I was once talking to a woman who described herself as an ‘anti-feminist’ because she felt that all feminism does is divide men and women. She said she was in favour of men and women supporting each other. Some of the artists who seem to think men exist to give them money and a good time are considered feminists, yet you have someone like the novelist Kate Mosse talked about how being a feminist means bringing men and women together. Feminism can mean different things to different people, and maybe instead of using the word, it would be better for someone to describe how they think men and women should view each other. I’m not sure if Camila thinks of herself as an actual feminist or should the song be considered a feminist anthem, but it seems she’s trying to bring men and women together.
I know thoughts you don't want in your head
Are spinnin' 'round, 'round, 'round
This is actually the opening line of the song. I have chosen to quote it last because I think it leads to answers to some of the problems men and women face. I think it’s fair to say everyone has thoughts that we wish weren’t there. Such thoughts tend to be dark and the kind of things we don’t want anyone else to know. The question is, what is a man to do when he has such thoughts? Should he run and hide? Or pretend everything is alright? Would anyone want to hear such thoughts, or would it be better for him to kill himself instead?
The best way to approach to thoughts we have in our head I’ve come across is from the book Emotional Agility by Susan David. She writes about the importance of getting in touch with our values and letting them be our guide in how we live our lives. Living out our values may not be easy, and it might make us feel uncomfortable, but it’s how we stay true to ourself. Our values should be like an anchor in this life and can help us when we’re dealing with our thoughts. David writes about how we should treat thoughts in our head as a secretary would treat emails to their boss. A secretary will pass on emails to their boss that are important and delete the emails that aren’t. Likewise, we should reject thoughts that aren’t in line with our values and accept the ones that are. While it’s easy to go along with our feelings and thoughts, we don’t have to.
I sometimes wonder if people know what their values are. Some businesses and organisations have their values written out on their website, but how many people have written down theirs? When I was in the middle of reading Emotional Agility, I realised I didn’t know what my values were. I used to get my values from the Bible and what other Christians said, but since losing my faith, I was rather clueless. So for about a month I gave it a lot of thought and came up with a list with of seven values. When writing them down, I asked myself what kind of person do I want to be, and how do I want to live? With that in mind, I came up with a list that included values such as practising self-compassion, having rational compassion and being responsible. Do I always live out my values? Not always, but I see my values as something I should aim for. We can practise living out our values, and practise makes perfect.
It appears Camila Cabello thinks men should talk about these thoughts that are in their heads, and up until a point I agree with her. Talking about how we’re feeling can be helpful and freeing if the conversation is with someone who’s supportive. Still, I think recognising that we don’t need to act on every thought can be helpful, too. Figuring out what our values are can be the first step to living the life we want. It will feel uncomfortable to not act on such thoughts, but it can be done. When we allow our values to guide our thoughts, we will be able to live a life that’s fulfilling.
Joel’s Four Seasons will next be published on 21st June 24th July 2024.